My Painful Precious Letter

                Ma pa hindi dito natatapos ung ginawa ko kasi marami pa po akong gustong sabihin sa inyo. Maraming marami pa. Kaya sana pakinggan niyo po ang bawat sasabihin ko. Nobela ito Ma Pa pero kailangan niyo po kasing marinig. Hindi lang po ito para sa akin para din po sa inyo.

                

             Ma and Pa since this is this is the first time that I will tell you what I feel. I’ll make it to the fullest. I know this will make you cry but I want you to be ready. I want to tell you these things before I say thanks to you because this will make me free from all the pain I’ve been keeping all these years. I want you to know all the problems that I have and all my problems that I have with you. I really don’t plan of telling you this but I think I’ve kept it for a long time and I think it’s a wrong decision because keeping these things from you won’t give us a nice relationship that’s why I decided to tell you these things. But get ready of what can I say because I know this will hurt you a lot. I’m sorry but I need to do these.  I need to do these because it will help you to understand me. I’m sorry again.

                Ma and Pa alam ko hindi ako naging mabuting anak but you know I tried my best. I’m sorry if I treat you a different way I treat Nanay and Tatay. Now, I’ll tell you all the reasons why do I have that kind of treatment. First, they took care of me. They were the one who is always there beside me. I know it’s not your fault. I know you are in Hong Kong for me but you can’t blame me because I thought they were my real parents that’s why it was so hard for me to keep in my mind that they were not because we’ve been living for so many years until you came. There is a lot of adjustment that I need to do. A lot of things to cope up and besides you treat me a different one. Ma do you remember the time when you ask me sinong mas mahal ko sa inyong dalawa? I didn’t answer because I don’t want you to get hurt but now I’m taking the risk. I love her more than you. I’m sorry but I need to tell you these so that someday I’ll love you both with same rate. I love her more because I never understand why you never agreed to what I say. I’ll give you examples ma. You know that I’m I really love dresses, shoes, accessories and all the things that a woman wears. Ma and Pa I just want to ask you question why do you always disagree on things I like bakit hindi pwedeng maging simpleng gusto mo niyan ung tanong. Bakit kailangan ang lagi mong sasabihin damit nanaman yan wala ka na bang ibang bibilhin. Ma and Pa it hurts me a lot because that’s the only thing I’ve been asking from you. That’s the only thing I’ve been wanting for. Simply dresses but you can’t give it to me right away. There will always be questions. Pero bakit pag dating sa kuya ko wala kang sinasabi Ma. I know Pa will ask the same question to my brother but it will not be as cruel as mine. Ma I was never been jealous of my brother never. But then I used to ask myself why you treat him a different way you treat me. I can feel it Ma. Sabihin mo man o hindi ramdam ko. When I was child I can still understand why you buy him gadgets I can tolerate that because I’m still a kid now I’m asking you Ma why? Whenever I buy clothes you always tell me may pera ka naman diyan ikaw na bumili but it when it come to my brother you’ll say he has no money even though he has. You’ll just buy me clothes when I begged you to buy me but if I won’t I’ll end up buying on my own. Ma do you know what’s the impact of this kind of treatment? Nabuhay akong takot na magtanong sa inyo because I’ll know I’ll end up hearing hurtful words from you that’s why I’ve decide I just save money so that I can buy what I want. Even though I’m hungry I won’t eat just to save money because I’m afraid to my parents.  This teaches me a good and bad thing. A good thing because I learn not to depend on you whenever I want to buy something and a bad thing because I’m always afraid of my parents.

                Ma do you know how much courage I take just to ask you something. Especially when it comes to money about school because whenever I ask you money regarding bout school the first sentence that I’ll here for you bayarin nanaman wala na akong pera. Then you’ll ask me again hindi ba binigyan na kita ng pera.  At first I’ll take positively but then it hurts me again because I think I was robbing my mother’s money though I’m not. Ma you don’t know how hard I tried to manage my money just to fit it for the whole month. If I just have enough money I won’t ask for your help because I don’t want to get hurt. Again Ma I’m asking you why do you treat me this way? I know when my brother ask you money you’ll just ask him where do you need it and how much. Maybe I’m wrong with this sometimes but I know I’m always right. Ma I don’t know  if it’s favoritism but I used not to care anymore because I have Nanay and Tatay and that’s where I get my strength whenever you make me weak. Ma I’m used to these things right now but still I’m hurting myself too much. Ma I know you have a reason and I know that reason. I know my brother was sick when he was a baby and doctors in Hong Kong don’t know how to cure him that’s why he went to the Philippines. I know he might die but can I ask you a question is it my fault? Is it my fault that my brother  will die. Hindi ko kasalanan iyon ma. Wala akong kinalaman kaya sana kung ito man yung dahilan mo sana isipin mo din ako minsan. But in this case I never complain. You never heard me complain never. I just bear all the pain cause that’s the best thing I can ever do.

                 

               There’s another one that made me so mad at you. Do you remember when Tatay was in the hospital Nanay told me she was asking money for you because I know she has no money at all but what did you do? You told her you don’t have money even though you have.  Did you know I cried that time because I never thought my mother was that harsh? I know your money is for us pero Ma ung taong humihingi ng tulong  sa inyo ay ung taong nag-alaga saakin sa buong buhay ko. Did you ever think of that? At that time I cried to my friends. I told them ang sakit sakit dahil ung magulang ko hindi matulungan yung taong ang laki laki ng tulong na binigay sa kanya. I told them if I just have money my Nanay won’t ask help from her. I really hated you that time Ma because you showed you’re real color. But then you change your mind because my brother ask you to lend her money but that didn’t change what I thought of you because I thought you were better than that but you’re not. Hindi ba nagalit ka pa sa akin nung mga panahon na yon? You said that why do I always go to the hospital when you are here in the Philippines. Ma have you ever think of that question? My Tatay might die anytime that time and I am very worried what did you do instead of giving me comfort Ikaw at si Papa pinagalitan ako. I hated you for being like that because you never cared for other maybe you cared but not that much.

                 

            Ma why do you trust other people than us? This is related to Lolo Louie. Why do you need to trust him that much when you don’t know what is really happening? Why do you trust him more than your children? Don’t you know he’s been lying for all those times but then believe him than believing us? You even scolded Nanay for just a little misunderstanding. Nagalit ako sa inyo noon Ma kasi you are so clueless you believe people who lie to you. These makes me hate you more and lost respect for you because you never value what other people say you just believe on yourself and never consider other’s advice. Akala mo lagi ikaw yung tama. But you know Ma most of the people around you hate that kind of attitude they just don’t have the courage to tell you but no I’m doing it because I know this will be for the better. Ma I hope you can change that attitude because it will make you better.

                

             Ma and Pa I want to ask you why am I always rejected to you? This is all about the college thingy. You know that I really wanted to study in La Salle but then when you knew it was a Trimester and the tuition fee is eighty thousand why do immediately say na hindi niyo ko kayang pag-aralin doon. Ma why can’t you even say that na gusto mo ba talaga don? Sige kung yoon talaga ang gusto mo kahit mahirap gagawin namin. Why can’t you say that? Why when it come to you I always receive a NO reply but when it comes to my brother’s college issue he got an approval right away though the tuition fee is ranging to fifty to seventy thousand pesos. Is that even fair Ma and Pa. I’m tired of fighting back. Tired of making my life better than before. All I ever do was following what you want but then did you ever do what I want? I think you don’t even try. I might have the wrong perception but my heart and mind was too hurt that they can’t even think of nice things right now because the pain is too much.

                 

            Ma and Pa these will be the last problem I have with you. Want to know why I love Tatay that much that when he died I lost everything? Because he never rejected me. He never complains of what I do. He never scolds me for all the things I do. He just always supports me because he trusts me that much. Whenever I ask money from him he’ll just give me. Whenever I buy clothes he never gets mad instead he’ll be happy for me. He trusts me that much that he doesn’t need to ask me anything. These is the reason why I love that much because I can be the person that I am whenever I’m with him but then when he died a part of that person also dies. Ma and Pa did you ever ask me if I’m alright? Did you ask how I am? I think you didn’t. So, how could I show love and care for you if I can’t feel the same way from you. I hope you understand what I mean.

                 

            Ma and Pa I know it hurts you a lot hearing all these things but then I’m telling you this will make us free. These are all the things that I’ve keeping all these years. I just hope you know what to do right now and I just want to add something if you want to know me more ask me because that’s one thing you lack. You don’t know me that much. Maybe even my favorite color. The only thing you know is my name, my birth date and place, where do I live. Meaning these are the things that everyone knows. That’s why if you want to know your real daughter try to mingle with me because that’s what I’ve been waiting for and try not to see all the wrong things I’ve been doing. Try to see all the good things that I did for you because you have never saw that before. I hope you understand right now and I hope you’ll change because right now that’s what I’ve planning to do so that I can give you the satisfaction and affection you have been waiting for all this years. I know thing will be different from now on because you know what I feel but then I hope that you don’t expect too much because it won’t be that easy that’s why we should take it easy but at least you know the reason why I am acting this way. I just ask for your trust Ma and Pa. Just give me trust.

Ma and Pa doon na po natatapos ang lahat ng hinain ko sa inyo. Alam kong masakit miski naman po ako nasasaktan pero kailangan ko po itong gawin bago pa po mahuli ang lahat. Pero ngayon Ma and Pa papangitiin ko na kayo. Pakinggan niyo po ang sasabihin ko.

                 

            Ma and Pa you know I’m not the kind of person who used to tell her feeling. I’m not the kind of daughter who tells the words that every parent wants to hear. I’m also not the kind of daughter who used to hug and kiss you every day. I just only show this to you to actions and seldom to letters. But then I want to tell you that you’re the best parents that I have. I might not show you my real feelings but now I’m planning to do it. I’m so happy I had parents like you who could tolerate all the things that I do. I’m the luckiest daughter in this world for having a parent like you who could sacrifice everything they have just to support and make their children’s life better.  I know it is hard to be away from us but then you do it. You worked so hard just to give us the life that you’ve been dreaming of. You gave us all the things we need though we got to problems sometimes still you never give up on us especially on me. Even though I’m so hard headed you still try to be patient. I was really amazed how you can all do these things and make everything fell better when it is really not.

                 

             Ma and Pa I want to tell you that I’ll change things that weren’t supposed to be. I’ll try my best to do all the things that you want. I won’t complain as long as I know we are on the right track. I’ll be the best lovable daughter that I should be. I’ll do the things that I should been doing all the past years. I’m sorry that it was been a while before I got the courage to do these thing. But now here I am doing the right thing that I should do from the very start. I’m really proud that you became my parents. I now understand why these problems were given to us because maybe this will make us learn things that we never knew were right. I’m very thankful that God gave me you. Even you didn’t take care of me I still care and love you both. It’s just been so long before I gave you the chance that I should gave you from the very start. I shouldn’t keep all those things from you but then I don’t regret those things Ma and Pa because I know that it will be better soon because I believe everything has a reason and maybe those problems will lead us to a happy living family.

                 

              Ma and Pa I know that this is the first time that you will hear these words from me. I know it been too long but I hope I’m not too late. Again, I want to tell you how blessed I am to have you as my parents. I might think some of the things wrong but then I hope you understand me. Everything will be better soon I promise. I hope both of you are just alright in Hong Kong. Ma and Pa always take care of yourself. Don’t worry about us will be okay. Just take care of yourself and don’t work too much. I’m sorry for all those things. Always take care. Remember that even I seldom tell you this, it will always be forever. I missed you both and I love you so much. Thank you for everything that you have done. I love you both remember this.