The HARDEST One....

                “TO BE OR NOT  TO BE” are hard choices that everybody of us encounter. These choices can make us better or mostly worst.  It’s really hard to choose even though you know which the right one is. Most of the times we always choose the wrong one because we thought it could be the correct one. We can’t blame anybody else because it’s your decision. You may have their opinion but still it will end up on you. Whether you like it or not, you still need to have a choice. See, it’s always connected to your life simply because life is a matter of choices. This is one of the quotes that strike my heart is “Life starts from B to D. It starts from Birth to Death. But what between B and D is C. It’s a choice because our life is a matter of choices”. These quotes and choice made my life unexplainable crazy one. At that point of my life, I encountered hardest key continue my life again which is “TO BE OR NOT TO BE”. You may say that my life revolves again and again with this idea but I can’t help it because it’s the only incident in my life that made me choose to be a better student. But the question is did I had the right choice?

               

                It was 108 days ago when I felt the most painful feeling in this world. I was very excited the day before that. I was so happy that you can see my smile and excitement can’t be removed all day. I was so proud to tell to my friends the good news that I have. They were all glad for my news. I can feel the concern that they have. I never had worries that day. I never thought of something bad. My life that day was at peace and calm. I actually stayed to my Ninang’s house for a while to express my gratitude for taking care of me once in a while. I never assumed that it will be the last. I was just watching a movie all night long beside him. I slept around 4 am because of that but in just 30 minutes I woke up and that was the last time I saw him open the best eyes I ever seen. My best dad, boyfriend, friend, guide, teacher and so on and so for let go. My favorite buddy was gone and never coming back in this kind of world.

                

               The tears fell from my eyes but I’m still in denial with the truth. I pleased my sister to bring him to the hospital because something inside of me is telling that he is still alive. I have a lot trust in God and I really do believe in him. I know that he never fails my expectation and I know when something bad or good will happen. My heart acts in a strange way when something bad will happen but my hearts stays so calm that’s why I believed that he’s still with me but the truth stabs me too deep. I heard an unexpected truth that he is not with us anymore. I can’t stop crying. I can’t even catch my breath. My mind stop working and all I know is that I was like leaving alone in this planet we called earth.

                 

             My life really changes to a dark one after that incident. It was the time choices came to my life. Choices like I need to die or to live my life again, I need to fight or show that I’m weak, and I have to accept or just to live with it . These were just ONE of the CHOICES I have. I was too crazy thinking of what should I do and I really don’t know if I need to. Whenever I have my choice my past was pulling me to be distracted. It was like a voice behind telling me you don’t have to make a decision just stay what you are but a voice from my father telling I have to and not I chose to because it’s a different one. It was really hard to make a decision when all along you already wanted to lose the fight. When you already want to give up even though you have to fight. When you need to be strong but you know your past makes you very weak. It was really difficult to build yourself again when you know that your strength, power, inspiration was already lost.  Months passed by before I actually decided what to do in my life. I’ve decided to do the promise I told to him before that I will rise myself again where I was supposed to be. I will build the girl who was built by him. I will return the girl who was once on the top.

               

               I as student applied “TO BE OR NOT TO BE” when my father died because that was the point that I really don’t have a care about my school especially in my grades. I was not studying that time. I got very low grades in exams and I don’t care. I just dance with the music. My life was no direction and my parents, sister and brothers were just like me because they don’t care what’s happening around us when he was gone. My decision is to be one of the intelligent, happy, cheerful and industrious student once again rather than pulling myself to be down and this is the part where I applied that quote. I didn’t chose the decision of entering this school, cheating, bullying, being hard headed student and many other more because it’s very common for a student to apply it that’s why I think of the unusual things that happened to me and this came up. Now, my question is not still answered even though I already had my choice. I can never can tell if it’s the right one until I finish my studies and if nothing goes wrong. Then, we will see the result if it’s the best choice I ever had.